No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. - C.S. Lewis
Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear that I will never stay pregnant with a healthy baby.
Fear that my dream will never become a reality. Fear that we will have 1, 2, 3, 4 more losses before finally throwing in the towel.
Most of all, fear that I will never in my heart accept that a family of three is what we will be...it's the fear that acceptance will not be a part of my journey and that scares me the most. I don't want to be 20 years from now looking at my only son wishing for his phantom brothers and sisters that are not with us. A lifetime is a long time to wish for something; a lifetime is a long time to refuse to accept something that is not in your control.
I know it sounds dramatic. I know that statistically I have a great chance of having another child because of my age and my relative ease of getting pregnant in the first place, but sometimes I feel very hopeless.
2 comments:
Hi, I found your blog off of the Bump (I'm smalltownmama) and I can so relate to alot of your feelings. I have only had one m/c, but 2 years total of TTC, and am rapidly losing hope. We always planned on having a big family, and I don't know how I will ever accept not having more children. I also fear that 20 years from now when we only have one child coming home for Thanksgiving.
Hi :) Sorry for your loss and your difficulty in TTC. I won't say "don't give up hope" because I know that sometimes when people say that I want to scream at them ;) I hope we both get to have our "big" families or at least find peace in our "small" ones.
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