I'm having a bad day today. I'm not sure why. Okay, I lied. . . I do know why.
I just feel very "left behind". . .do you know that the world is inundated with pregnant people? They are everywhere.
You know what else happens? The world just keeps on ticking without a glance or thought to my own sadness. It doesn't care about my difficulty staying pregnant. The world doesn't care that I am feeling down.
The minutes just keep ticking on by. I hear a billion more pregnancy announcements. I see a billion more ultrasounds, a billion more newborn announcements. It just doesn't stop. I ride the fine line of just being happy for someone and insane jealously. I often feel both emotions at the same time.
I just can't come to terms with my reality and loss #2's due date is coming up which is magnifying my sadness right now. It sucks so bad.
2 comments:
I'm sorry you are feeling left behind. It's hard and you are not alone!
EDD's are hard. I kept telling myself I would be pregnant before then.. then before the 1 yr mark. Sorry didn't mean to vent, I'm thinking of you!
I understand exactly how you feel. I have felt very left behind and also wrote a blog post about it. I thought that I wouldn't feel bad when a fellow baby loss Mom got pregnant and I didn't, but I did. I've recently had to stop following the blogs and Facebook updates of two of them. One is due in March when I was and the other is pregnant with twins, like I was. But I've followed baby other rainbow baby pregnancies, and tortured myself in doing so.
I have been pregnant 3 times since my first loss. When I got pregnant, I was VERY aware of the other babyloss Mom's that weren't pregnant yet. I was very worried about hurting their feelings. I was filled with admiration when they still followed my blog and I ached for them. Then I lost each of those 3 pregnancies.
I see tons of pregnant women when I'm out. I feel like I'm being stabbed when I do, especially when they rub their bellies. I start to hate them. I tell myself that they may have had losses, that they may have struggled with infertility for years. But the fact is that they have a living baby in their belly and I don't and it makes me more jealous than I'm proud of. You aren't alone in this.
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