I wonder if I make people uncomfortable with my openness about my losses? Like I had to call the HR department today and ask about benefits so I can start some therapy and she thought I mean like physical therapy and I was like no....I need therapy therapy (I couldn't think of the words "grief counseling" at that second) so I blurted out "I've had a lot of miscarriages and I need help".
Cue awkward silence on her part and me sitting there twiddling my thumbs and wishing she'd just say the routine "I'm sorry" and get on with her happy little human resource life. Because who knows when a crazy woman is going to call you and tell you about the state of her barren uterus? Apparently it was HR lady's lucky day.
So then I think back on the fact that all of my coworkers know about my losses, I've talked about it to all of them. They all offer support and kind words but do I make them uncomfortable? Do they wish I would just keep it all to myself? Do they wish they didn't know what kind of turmoil I am in. I've been met with a lot of "me too, I had 1,2,3 before getting pregnant with XYZ" and then I feel weird that I am the one who fessed up. A lot of women have had losses but they don't talk about it. Why do I?
I think I feel that if I don't say anything when this has happened to me that I will literally explode or at least have a mental breakdown...nothing is worse than losing a baby and magically be "okay" in the eyes of the people you are around. When the people around me know my agony then I don't have to worry about crying in front of them. I don't have to hold it all inside.
Because when you lose a baby this is how it goes in your world in the following weeks after the loss:
Coworker: "How are you today?"
Me: "Fine! I hope we have a great day today, isn't it awesome to be a nurse!"
Me inside: "NOT FINE! I hurt and I don't want to be here. I can't believe I have to take care of bed 3 again I might just kill the old bag myself!"
Coworker: "How's Jack? He's getting so big."
Me: "I know right? He has really started to talk lately and we are working on potty-training"
Me inside: (I'm still seething that I can't believe that this has happened and I am probably still hung up on the fact that I should be pregnant, I should be talking about my morning sickness and baby names)
See what I mean? If my coworker doesn't know what's going on then I have to fake being happy, I have to say things I don't want to say. My coworkers, friends and family all understand what is going on and I don't have to fake in front of them, it's helped a bunch.
So maybe being so open about all this hell is what has kept me sane and not curled up in a little ball on my bedroom floor (or at least not for long).
3 comments:
I remember reading an article about families who thrived after babyloss. I mean, thrived is an odd word in this kind of context, right? But they were looking for something beyond survival and baseline functioning. Apparently the families/ parents who were the happiest were the ones that found a way to weave their losses inot their everyday by being open, creating ritual, acknowledging their grief. So it sounds really healthy to me that you're approaching it this way.
Also, I think by talking about it, you create an environment where people are able to share their experiences. Those women who never said before... they may really, really want to talk about it, and you are saying that it's OK to do so. Which is a gift, actually.
Thanks Jess...I hope that I maybe am opening doors in the people around me to speak about their losses too. I can't imagine going through this without talking about it...just.can't.imagine.
Although to be honest my main reason is just my own surivival in my grief because it feels good to acknowledge my pregnancies no matter how short they may have been...everything that happens secondary to that is just coincidental.
I have been married since November 2010, and by March, 2011, we were trying to have a baby. After 9 months of trying, we went to the doctor to get some help. They put me on Provera to jump start a period twic, but had no luck. After taking the second round, I found out I was pregnant on February 15, 2012! I was so excited! But from the very beginning, it was weird. They called it a partial molar pregnancy, which if you don't know what that is, you should look it up... It is where your placenta is huge and it basically devours the fetus. We went in and it was measured at 6 weeks and 1 day and had a heart beat. I will never forget that day. I was so happy in that moment. But the next week, on March 15, 2012, there was no heart beat (I thought this was kind of ironic because I have a degree in English and I lot my baby on the Ides of March... Dumb reference, but something strange I thought of). I had a D&C on March 16th. The biopsy confirmed it was molar and I was not to try to have another baby for the next year. I went to a different doctor and got the go ahead this month to try again. I am on my first round of Clomid and waiting for ovulation. This is as far as I have gotten in the planning scheme (I wasn't expecting to be pregnant last time). I'm so scared. I have never been so scared in my life that I might lose the baby once I get pregnant, or never get pregnant. I know I am rambling, but I understand you. I get that you have to share. In fact, I read your title and it asked if you made us feel uncomfortable. The answer is no. I am thankful that someone talks about what is going on.
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