(sorry people for the 2 fafillion posts that all have pretty much the same sentiment...it's cathartic for me to get this out. So....I guess just click that pretty little red X in the corner if you are tiring of my rambling)
I am feeling very "what iffy" right now....
What if I demanded that I get put on progesterone supplements, would that have changed what happened to this last baby?
What if I demanded that I have a lovenox prescription written and started to take it before I even ovulated? Would I still be pregnant? Would that have been the game changer in my story? What if it hadn't of been 4th of July weekend when I found out I was pregnant and was able to see my doctor immediately...would that of saved it?
What if the lab is wrong? What if my HCG levels are fine! What if my morning sickness is because that baby is still growing? What if they are wrong? Please please please be lab error. Wouldn't that be amazing.
I can't help fantasize that this has all been a huge mistake. I still avoid alcohol although god knows I could use something to numb myself (further) right now. I still take my prenatals and my aspirin everyday, I still take the folgard to prevent neuro tube defects to an un-baby that doesn't even exist outside my pleading imagination.
I wish I would just bleed, maybe then I could let go of this fantasy that I could still be okay. I could come to terms with what has happened and say a final goodbye to the un-baby.
Just what if.
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