Jack has been my rock in all this anguish...he is one of the only things lately that will make me smile. Not just the fake one plastered on my face when the time requires me to do so but true smiles that make my heart swell. He has no idea what is going on, he doesn't understand why mommy isn't herself and crying a lot (which I promise I try not to do in front of him).
When I do cry and he sees it he wipes my tears with his chubby little fingers, he pats my head in the way only a toddler can do and gives the best hugs.
A few days ago he came up to me after seeing a commercial for pampers and then patted my belly saying "baby". It broke my heart all over again, we didn't tell him about the baby (not that he'd remember anyway) so I'm not sure why he did it. It hurt to tell him "no baby, Monkey".
Without him I don't know what I'd do...I try to focus on him and keep telling myself "at least I have him, at least I was blessed with one healthy child". Anybody who has suffered secondary infertility knows that although this may lessen the pain by a few degrees the desire to have another little one still is strong.
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