My poor heart

Heartache is an actual physical symptom...it's a heavy aching throb that sits in your chest that makes breathing, thinking, feeling even an ounce of happiness impossible.  I hate it and I want it gone.  I am done with having my heart break.  I can't take it anymore.

It's what happens when something amazingly good happens to you and you plan for the future and then lose that future in the matter of days.  It slips from your grasp through no fault of your own and you are left sitting there wondering "why me?"

It's when you wake up from deep sleep and for a few seconds you forgot what as happened and then have your heart break all over again with remembrance.  It's a few tiny seconds to mentally remember how empty you now feel. 


Actually empty is a pretty accurate word to describe how I feel.


I was pregnant again (I hate the fact that I even have to say "again")...I was hopeful.  I had a tiny embryo that implanted and started to grow.  I made it farther then I have in the last 4 attempts.  I had strong symptoms.  And then things went wrong again.  Things didn't progress.  The baby didn't grow and my levels didn't rise enough.

So I am back at square one and more beat up than ever before.  I am seriously considering giving up and just settling for our family of three.  It's not what I wanted, it's not what I dreamed of.  It's still not what I want but I can't do this again. 

I am tired.  My heart hurts and I am afraid I won't be able to breathe at all if I add anymore losses to it.  No one should feel this, it's not fair.