Bitter

Bitter.  I am bitter.  It amazes me how 1 year ago today I was so naive.  I knew Ryan and I would be trying for another child in a month, I was excited and fully expected to be pregnant within months.  Jack's 1st birthday party came and went...we were happy and I was whole. 

Then August came and went...cycle 1 down with a big fat negative pregnancy test.  I was upset. . .I roll my eyes at myself now that I was actually upset that I ::gasp:: didn't get pregnant on the first try.

September came and went with another negative pregnancy test.  I was upset again. . .stupid.

October came and I was pregnant!!!!  Wahoo!  Then I lost that one and clocked my first ever miscarriage trying to conceive baby #2.  I was supposed to announce that pregnancy at our Halloween party but instead I spent it crying and hiding my tears.  This photo is a picture of me hiding my pain.

I started to miscarry a few days before our party.  I was upset and I hurt, but I was hopeful that everything would be okay. 

Here is another photo of me taking during my "april" miscarriage...I smile but inside I was crushed.

Little did I know what would happen in the months to come.  Little did I know that I'd be sitting here a few days shy of Jack's second birthday with an empty uterus putting on a strong face and will take photos  I'll look back on and say "I am smiling in this picture, but my heart is hurting."  Nobody should have photos like this, nobody.  I unfortunately have more than one on more than a few occasions.

So yes, I am bitter.  This shouldn't have happened to me, this wasn't what was supposed to be.