Just a ramble of thoughts...

I don't have much to say lately...the frustration and pain has lessened but it's not gone.  I have moments where I feel better and have lots of hope and then moments where I wallow in sorrow.  It gets worse when I am around other people who are newly pregnant...their happiness makes the bitter part of me irritated and emotional. 

I know it's wrong but I want to scream at them just because you have a positive test is doesn't always equal a baby. I am glad people don't get that and are so naive, but it doesn't stop me from mentally shaking them in my head.  I am just jealous, I know that.  It's the nature of the beast that I've been dealt...it not their fault and it's not mine.  It just is what it is.

5 days until I see my new reproductive endocrinologist, I will refer to her as "Dr. Hope" here just for anonymity sake.  I will have to physically stop myself from dropping to my knees and begging her to keep me pregnant next time.  I'm sure she gets crazy desperate women in her office all the time, so she'll know how to handle me and my anxiety. I am not even going to wear mascara that day because I know there will be tears.  I actually feel kind of sorry for Dr. Hope already. . .that's a lot of responsibility to take on with a very delicate and important task.  I am relying on her expertise and guidance to keep me knocked up.  That's a big order to complete.

Anyways, my last loss is officially over.  My hcg level is zero so that is awesome...at least my body knows how to miscarry properly.  I guess I'll count my blessings in that regard.