Grief and bitterness is a fickle thing. I can sometimes trick myself into believing that I am okay and dealing with this appropriately. Sometimes I feel brave and strong and feel like I can do this...I can be okay. I can smile with not only my mouth but with my heart.
Then I have moments where I crumble back into the deepest sadness and loss that is imaginable. I am angry. I am angry at my body. I am angry at the universe. I am angry at the 4 billion ultrasound pics and pregnancy paraphernalia that I get hit with when I open up my facebook, when I watch TV, when I go to work, when I'm home. It's everywhere. I can't get away from it. I am angry at myself for believing that the progesterone was supposed to keep me pregnant would work. I didn't give myself hope with the middle losses because it hurt to bad to fall from that far up...it was easier to stay pessimistic. The last 2 losses where not supposed to happen...I believed it wouldn't. I was so incredibly wrong. I had so much excitement for loss #6, I was so confident.
Never again. Never again will I celebrate a new pregnancy until I see a heart beat on ultrasound. Never never again.
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