Things do not get easier the more you go through them. . . they get harder.
It's harder to breathe.
It's harder to accept that this is my fate.
It's harder to believe that once again I will walk this path.
It's harder to think about the what ifs?
It's harder to pick myself up after being beat down again.
It's harder to trust my body since it's failed me again.
It's harder to understand why me?
You know what else is harder?
Grieving. Crying. Yelling. Freaking out. Screaming.
After this many disappointments the shock of it all doesn't get expressed, it just sits and festers. I have known that this pregnancy is not viable for over 5 hours and I have not shed more than 5 tears. I have not yelled or screamed like my last loss.
I've sat. On the couch. On the internet. I've been numb.
Because that is easier and safer than crying, yelling, freaking out and screaming. The problem is I am not grieving.
I am nothing.
I know that soon the something will come and my heart is not ready for that. . .it is not ready for this.
2 comments:
Hi,
A friend of mine told me about your blog. I am so sorry for your losses. I just had my 4th pregnancy loss on Tuesday when I miscarried twins. Before that, my son was stillborn on June 1, 2010, I had a 5 week miscarriage on August 20, 2010 and a miscarriage at 10 weeks due to a blighted ovum on November 27, 2010. We don't know the reason for my most recent loss (waiting for test results which may take months).
It's true that it doesn't get easier the more times it happens. I just know more of what to expect and I find that pretty sad. I feel like I am becoming a bit of an lay-person expert on pregnancy loss and I hate it.
I also found that I didn't cry as much for this current loss as I have for the past ones. I just store it up now. I've cried so much over the past 15 months and I don't have the energy or strength for more sometimes. And other times, it's all I have energy and strength for. Numb is the most prevalent feeling these days.
Thinking of you.
Thank you :) You are totally right...numb is a great word for what I am. I am just very "meh" about the whole thing. Like you said, I just don't have the strength right now. I don't have the energy to let it all out. I am choosing to just ignore the pain because I just.can't.do.it right now. I can't. I'll keep us both in my thoughts, I am sorry for your losses too.
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