I should know better. I should deny hope during the two week wait before testing for pregnancy. I should know that becoming excited for something that stands very little chance of happening is a set up for heartbreak. I should know better that even if I see those precious two pink lines it doesn't mean that I'll actually get to keep the baby.
I should know better to analyze every twinge, every cramp, every bout of dizziness and nausea. I should know better but yet, here I am. Letting that hope and excitement creep into my body.
I know I should steel myself against disappointment. I know I should just ignore all the pregnancy symptoms and the blood results. I know I shouldn't even get excited until I see a flickering of a tiny heart.
But I won't wait. I will get excited. I will be hopeful. I will test early and often. I will cry with every negative and be scared of seeing blood on the toilet paper. I will instinctively imagine what that child will be like. I will know the phantom due date (which by the way is July 31st in case anyone is wondering). I will love this baby the second I know I am pregnant.
I am afraid that I will have a very long way to fall at the end of this. . . I guess we'll find out soon enough.
1 comment:
It's really hard not to hope, even if you should know better. I hope every month, even though I should know better. And when I get pregnant, I imagine my entire future with that child, even though I should no better.
You don't have much of a life without hope. Too bad it's so painful to do sometimes.
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